Monday, April 19, 2010, 6:00PM
Hi Everyone,
I'm sitting on the edge of a queen bed, my legs straddling the corner. Rosie and Orion are laying on the other bed, awaiting my invitation to play. I'm not in the mood to play. I'm feeling sorry for myself.
We left Natalie's house in Chicago this morning. The trip was long and monotonous. I thought over and over about how I had been blessed throughout my life with the unbounded beauty of unconditional lifelong love. Now I was feeling wounded. "This is our healing journey," I thought over and over with mantra-like patience. But visions of an isolated motel room, far removed from home and empty of Susan's immeasurable presence kept interrupting. Tonight will be rough. The first night on the road without Susan.
So here I am, having arrived early, the sun streaming through the undraped window, my head in my hands, tears streaming down my face, dogs watching mournfully, allowing myself to communicate with my pain. My vision is blurred by my tears, the only sounds are from my heart drumming in my ears. My isolation is near perfect. I bathe in my aloneness. I declare an uneasy peace with my desperation. My world clouds over with the fog of things so familiar, yet lost. "It will get better from here," I remind myself.
And from within that cloud that separates me from my reality a remarkable event occurs. Although I am looking straight ahead, focused on nothing, a faint shadow briefly passes the corner of my eye. My attention is suddenly heightened, but I do not shift my soft gaze. The shadow moves closer, I can feel its warmth, I begin to feel a tingle of excitement. Immediately, a delicate swoosh of soft curly hair and a touch of warm breadth on my cheek. My mind reels at the prospect of an other-worldly reunion with my beloved. I can feel her body touching mine. My eyes are closed. I do not want to break this spell. I am overpowered with gratitude for this encounter.
A paw gently places itself on my leg. A soft wet tongue licks my cheek. I decide not to notice, and concentrate on Susan's presence. And Susan responds by pressing her body against mine, her arm now around my shoulders, I am embraced. And I burst forth with gushing tears of joy. Suddenly, with apparent glee, Susan pulls me flat on my back onto the bed. I feel the warmth of her face above mine, her soft hair mingles with my forehead. She nuzzles my cheek. I am in ecstasy.
Susan fades from my consciousness and is replaced by Orion. Susan instantly reappears, this time she is loving on Orion. She has her arms wrapped around him, passionately kissing his face. I know this because Susan's arms are my arms, her face is my face, her feelings are my feelings, we are one. And Susan and I love on Orion as he has never been loved, and when Orion is satiated and slides off the bed, Susan and I continue our embrace. And as we slip off together into the misty dreamland of road-weary slumber, I know that this will be a very good trip.
Wishing you many memorable journeys,
Stan
